


It's Difficult To Learn About Yourself When You Didn't Know You Could

by Casual_Scribbles



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Coming Out, Found Family, I'm not projecting onto characters, LGBT, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mild Transphobia, Nonbinary, Nonbinary Angus McDonald, greygender, greygender angus mcdonald, greygender carey fangbattle, nonbinary Carey Fangbattle, past emotional abuse, that's not what I'm doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 09:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21967261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casual_Scribbles/pseuds/Casual_Scribbles
Summary: He licks his lips, running his knuckle along the spiral binding of his notebook. “I was reading my Caleb Cleaveland books – some of the newer ones, where he's a teenager – and one of the characters that were introduced was, um, they’re nonbinary. And I- I've heard of that before, but I didn't know a lot about it, so I looked it up.” He looks up and Miss Lup is listening to him attentively, her ears perked up. She nods at him.“And I found out- I thought it was just one thing, ma'am,” he feels bolder, having seen the encouragement on her face. “But it's not. It’s a lot- it's so many things, Miss Lup! And I was looking through them and I just- some of them felt really familiar. Like- like I knew exactly what the writer was trying to say and I-”(They'd been more than familiar. They'd been-)No. They weren’t his.-Angus struggles to come to terms with something new he learns about himself, but thankfully his family is there to support him.
Relationships: Angus McDonald & Everyone, Carey Fangbattle & Angus McDonald, Carey Fangbattle/Killian, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Angus McDonald
Comments: 29
Kudos: 220





	It's Difficult To Learn About Yourself When You Didn't Know You Could

Angus holds up his fist outside of Miss Lup's door. Of all the members of the IPRE, she seems like the best resource for the questions currently consuming his thoughts. He holds his notebook in the other hand, his index finger marking the page with the notes he'd taken. He'd spent the past several weeks pouring through the few books he could find tucked away in the back corners of odd bookstores and libraries amongst other books just like it. The books were filled with terms and labels and memoirs and all of them had done nothing to clear up the muddled mess in his head.

(Except- _except_ -)

No, they had done nothing.

He takes a deep breath and pounds on the door. Hopefully she’s alone in there and he's not about to catch her with Mister Barry. The last time he had done that – which was totally not his fault, by the way, they had been _in the living room –_ had been horrifying enough.

He hears something hit the floor with a _thunk_ and a long stream of increasingly creative curses. Then the door opens and Miss Lup is towering above him in all her glory.

She looks- _relaxed._ Still amazing, as she always does - he's beginning to wonder if the Taaco twins ever _don’t_ look good – but not as flashy. She's wearing a plain cropped hoodie and jeans and her hair is pulled back in a messy bun, exposing more of her undercut than her usual hairstyle reveals.

Her eyes light up in recognition. “Hey, there, little dude, what's up?”

(He doesn’t wince at that. He _doesn't._ He’s not _supposed to._ )

Angus resists the urge to worry at his lip – his father told him it’s a bad habit – and looks up to meet Miss Lup's eye. “I have some questions, ma'am, and I think- I think you might be the best person to help me answer them,”

She cocks her head, looks him up and down, and _gods_ it feels weird to be on the receiving end of such inspection but whatever she sees seems to make her know that there’s something more to his questions that just simple inquiry. She opens the door wider, steps aside to let him in.

He steps in quickly and she shuts the door behind him. There’s a half-constructed umbrella-looking thing on the ground at the foot of Miss Lup's bed and a variety of tools – both normal and arcane – scattered around it. Was she really building another umbrastaff? After what had happened last time? He shakes his head; that's not his business. Above Miss Lup's bed, a flag is pinned to the wall with care. It’s the only thing in the room that looks like it’s properly cared for – there's not a stain, not a wrinkle – contrary to the clothes and items tossed onto various surfaces in her room. His eyes catch on the soft cotton-candy colors that decorate the wall in thin stripes. He stares at the white line in the middle in particular.

“Alright, Ango, what did you want to talk to me about?” Miss Lup climbs up onto her bed and sits cross-legged under her flag. She pats the comforter next to her. Even though Angus is fifteen now – almost sixteen, if anyone were to ask – he clambers up to sit next to her.

Now that he’s here… he struggles to find words. His mouth goes dry and his tongue sticks to his teeth. What if he’s wrong? What if she’s offended by his questions? What if she doesn't think he’s being serious?

He chances a glance up at her and she’s simply waiting patiently. She examines her nails, but he can see her eyes flitting up to look at him from under her eyelashes.

He clutches his notebook to his chest – filled with the same words swirling in his head and in his gut – and it feels like a lifeline. “Your- your flag- I saw it and I thought, um, you would be the best person to help me with something?

She makes a noise, encouraging him to continue.

He licks his lips, running his knuckle along the spiral binding of his notebook. “I was reading my Caleb Cleaveland books – some of the newer ones, where he's a teenager – and one of the characters that were introduced was, um, they’re nonbinary. And I- I've heard of that before, but I didn't know a lot about it, so I looked it up.” He looks up and Miss Lup is listening to him attentively, her ears perked up. She nods at him.

“And I found out- I thought it was just one thing, ma'am,” he feels bolder, having seen the encouragement on her face. “But it's not. It’s a lot- it's _so many things_ , Miss Lup! And I was looking through them and I just- some of them felt really familiar. Like- like I knew exactly what the writer was trying to say and I-”

(They'd been more than familiar. They'd been-)

 _No._ They weren’t _his._

“I wanted to ask you – and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to – how did you know? That you were a girl?”

“Hm,” Miss Lup taps her finger on her chin. “I think I know where you’re coming from Ango. Give me a minute to think… lemme see, how do I… ah, yes!” She brightens, her ears twitching. “It was more of a feeling, Ango. I knew that _that_ name didn’t feel like mine. I knew that my body didn’t look the way I knew it should feel. I knew that ‘she’ and ‘her’ felt so much better than what everyone had been calling me. And, Ango, let me admit right here to you, I didn't put it together until Taako and I met a guy in a caravan who was also trans. I didn't know it was a thing that I could do – a thing that I could _be_. And even then, it took me a little while to sort everything out before I could tell Taako and be sure that I knew what I was talking about.” Miss Lup reaches for his hands and be lets her take them, dropping his notebook in his lap. “And I looked things up and I read about other people like me and I realized that I finally knew who I am.”

Angus meets her eyes and she looks so open and understanding. He doesn't know what to do in this situation. If he had ever tried talking about this with his parents- he doesn't even want to think about it. He can still hear the scornful words they'd used when they were whispering about the partner of one of the maids. He tries to shake the memory off and he realizes that he's already trembling. “I just- I don’t understand it all, Miss Lup, and it’s so hard to figure it out,”

“Yeah, this stuff can be pretty confusing. It’s even more confusing once you realize that not everybody like you experiences the same thing. The way I knew might be different from how the guy in the caravan knew, and his experience might be different from how somebody else knew.” She squeezes his hand. “I’m willing to bet some good solid money that you've already started reading and that you brought that notebook because it’s already full of notes, am I right?” He nods. “You wanna show me what'cha got?”

He pulls his hands out of hers, missing their warmth and stability immediately, and flips to the first page of his notes with trembling fingers. It’s full of terms from the lists of nonbinary identities that he found. He has stars next to _demiboy_ and _greygender_ , and quite a few quotes and descriptions are highlighted _._ He shoves the notebook towards Miss Lup and watches nervously as she pages through what he’s written. She looks thoughtful, tracking her progress with her finger. He sees her well-manicured nails and wonders if Mister Magnus did them for her.

“What do the stars and stuff mean?”

“That's the stuff that felt like- like-”

“Like it clicked?”

“Yes, that’s it!”

She grins at him and hands him back the notebook. “It looks like you've got a lot you're thinking about with this. Wanna talk about it?”

Angus hesitates.

(He wants to. He wants to _so badly_ -)

If he's wrong he doesn't want to have wasted her time.

“Are you sure it’s okay, ma'am? If I'm wrong-”

“Then that's one more thing you'll have learned about yourself. That’s the best part about this, Ango. You can change labels as you figure yourself out. You don’t have to pick it and stick with it if it isn't the right one for you,”

Angus lets out a breath. “It’s like- I'm a boy, but it doesn't really mean anything. Not really. Honestly, I don’t think I would care very much if I wasn't a boy. But I am, but I'm not, and it’s very, very confusing because being a boy is- it's usually described as one of the binary genders but I don’t really _feel_ it. Being a boy doesn’t matter to me, and it actually kinda feels like I'm being trapped by being a boy. It’s restricting and it doesn't feel right. But I'm- I'm not a girl, I looked into that and that not- that’s not what I'm feeling. It’s just, I'm a boy, but I'm not, ” he makes a frustrated noise. It’s so hard to put it together in his mind as coherent thoughts, let alone actual words to explain it. Yet Miss Lup looks like she understands.

“I know it can be hard to explain.” She furrows her brow. “Hm, wait, actually, you know who might be able to help you out with this? Carey. She explained something similar to me a little while after we met.”

Angus pulls in an excited gasp. So far his only experience with other nonbinary people has been reading the books that all sound the same. Maybe Miss Carey will know what the piece is that he feels like he’s missing. “I didn’t know Miss Carey was nonbinary!”

Miss Lup laughs. “Yeah, she doesn't really broadcast it that much. She told me it’s because she doesn't think that that’s something that should affect people's judgement of her. I get it, because yeah, it shouldn’t affect how people see her.”

“That does make sense, he says.

“Do you want to go see if she’s free?”

“Yes, please, ma'am,”

Miss Lup pushes off her bed and pads to the door, Angus following close behind with his notebook clutched to his chest. She pauses with her hand over the handle. “Hey, Ango?”

“Yes, ma'am?”

“I really appreciate you coming to me about this. Thank you,”

Angus smiles and ducks behind his notebook. He hears Miss Lup laugh and then the door swings open. “C’mon, nerd, let's go find that tiny fuckin' dragon.”

-

The find Miss Carey at the Bureau of Benevolence's headquarters with Miss Killian. When Angus and Miss Lup walk into the training arena it looks like she and Miss Killian have just finished a workout. They both have water bottles in hand and Miss Killian has a towel slung over her neck. They look up and wave when he and Miss Lup approach them.

“Hey, what's up?” Miss Killian grins up at Lup. “We still on for Ladies' Night?”

“Oh yeah definitely,” Lup smiles. She gestures to Miss Carey. “Can Ango and I steal your wife for a bit?”

Carey tilts her head, one ear flicking up. She gives a toothy grin and Angus can’t help but grin back. “Yeah, you can steal me. Go ahead, babe, I'll meet up with you in a bit.”

Miss Killian sighs as she stands up, shaking her head with a smile. “I’ll get dinner going,”

Angus watches her go and then turns back to see Miss Carey pat the ground next to her, her tail flicking curiously. “What’s up, my dude,”

(He flinches again. He doesn’t mean to.)

Miss Lup makes an odd noise next to him as if she’s not sure if she should say something to Miss Carey or let Angus figure it out. He looks up to see her looking down at him with a brow raised in question and he shakes his head with a small smile. She nods.

He sits next to Miss Carey, Miss Lup following suit. It’s still really difficult to talk about, all of these feeling swirling around in his gut and – honestly, it almost feels suffocating. He swallows and looks up at Miss Carey. “Miss Lup told me you were- you are- you’re nonbinary,” It’s a struggle, getting his mouth to shape the words he hadn’t been allowed to even know about, let alone _say_ , for so long.

“Mhm,” Miss Carey hums. “What about it?”

He hesitates. What if he’s just a bother to her? What if- what if the questions he asks are wrong? Or offensive? What if-

He looks over at Miss Lup and she nods encouragingly. He squeezes his notebook tightly. “How did you know you were?”

Miss Carey tilts her head, her ear flicking. “Well, I knew it made me uncomfortable when people called me a girl, but being called a boy didn’t fit right either, so I looked around and when I read about being greygender it just kinda clicked, I guess. May I ask why?”

Angus hesitates. He’s still not sure. It’s definitely feeling more and more probable, though. But he doesn’t want them to be angry at him. “I might- I think I… might be… greygender, too.” The words feel awkward and unfamiliar in his mouth, but he realizes even as he says them that it feels _good_. Warmth spreads in his chest because, _yes_ , that’s what he’s been missing.

Miss Carey’s face splits in an ear-to-ear grin. “Fuck yeah, little du- wait, is ‘little dude’ still okay or…”

Angus shrugs. “I still don’t know ma’am,”

“Yeah, this shit’s confusing, I get it. You let me know if you figure it out. Would you prefer it if I call you Ango or Angus until then?”

He nods, allowing himself a small smile.

“Do you still want to use he/him pronouns or do you want to try on something else? Just say the word and it’s done,” Miss Lup asks, completely sincere. He can tell she’s not goofing with him for once and it makes him feel like he’s about to cry. He’s not sure anyone has been this considerate of his wants and needs before.

“I didn’t- I’m still allowed to use he/him? I thought that- every nonbinary person I read about used they/them. Miss Carey is the only person I know who _doesn’t_.”

“You can use whatever is most comfortable for you. Mostly people who use they/them are the ones who get the spotlight but using he/him doesn’t make you any less valid,” Miss Carey says.

“I think I’ll still use he/him for the most part, but, um, they/them sound like it’ll be comfortable too,”

“Fuck yeah, Ango!” Miss Carey holds up her taloned hand and Angus high-fives her, a watery laugh escaping his lips. He didn’t know he was allowed to enjoy this, but now that he knows he never wants to let it go.

-

The dinner table is full of the normal chatter of the seven birds plus Miss Carey and Miss Killian. Mister Magnus had invited them to dinner – prompting several minutes of definitely-not-sincere complaints from Mister Taako, who now had to cook extra food – and honestly, Angus is glad that he did. It means Miss Carey will be here in case- in case of what? He’s not sure, but he feels safer with her here anyway.

His insides are twisting so much that he can barely eat and he’s resorted to mostly pushing the food around his plate to make it look like he’s eating. The last thing he needs is someone getting worried and asking him questions. He’s sure he’ll lose his nerve if that happens, and it’s taken him weeks to figure himself out _and_ work up the nerve to tell everybody.

He nibbles a little bit more at his food and then pushes his plate back. Everyone else’s plates seem to be clean and Mister Magnus isn’t reaching for his nth serving of stir-fry. Good, he won’t be interrupting anyone.

He takes a deep breath and clears his throat, his mouth suddenly going very, very dry. “Um, excuse me? Sirs and ma’ams?”

The chatter dies down. Mister Taako lowers the serving utensil he had been waving threateningly at Mister Merle. Madam Director- _Miss Lucretia_ looks up from where she’d been awkwardly scribbling in a journal. Mister Kravitz stops fiddling with his rings. Mister Magnus puts down his duck. Miss Killian looks up from fixing one of Miss Carey’s horn cuffs. Mister Barry pockets the odd – probably necromantic – stone he’d been looking at. Miss Carey and Miss Lup – they’re both looking at him with knowing expressions. He gives them a nervous smile and they both give him an encouraging thumbs-up. Mister Taako looks at Miss Lup and then at Angus and then back at Miss Lup and his face is portraying the very clear message of ‘ _the-fuck-do-you-know-about-my-magic-boy-that-I-don’t?_ ’ but she levels one right back that says ‘ _shut-the-fuck-up-and-listen_ ’. He very greatly appreciates it.

“What’s up, Ango?” Mister Magnus asks.

Angus tugs his sleeves down over his fingers so he can fiddle with the buttons on the cuffs. “I have- I have something I want to tell you all. Um,” His words go as dry as his mouth and he looks over at Miss Lup and Miss Carey. They both nod and he steels himself to continue. “I, um, I recently came to the realization that I’m, um, I’m nonbinary. And I just- I wanted to let you all know.”

He wants to look away so he doesn’t have to see their reactions if they’re bad, but he can’t turn his eyes down. He sees Mister Barry look at Miss Lup with a smile. He sees Miss Killian put a gentle arm around Miss Carey. He sees Mister Merle tilt his head with a quiet “huh,” and an upward tilt to his lips. He sees Mister Magnus blink a few times, re-adjusting himself. He sees Miss Lucretia flip back several pages, scratch something out, scribble a few words, and look back up at him with a soft smile. He sees Taako grab Kravitz’ arm and shake him, saying “that’s my child, Krav, that right there is my fucking _child_ ,” to which Mister Kravitz responds with a placating, “Yes, love, I’m aware,”

Mister Magnus is the first one to speak directly to him and Angus braces himself for a goof. What he gets instead is, “Do you want us to use different pronouns?”

He blinks. He had _not_ expected this to go so well. His parents' harsh criticism of people like him still rings in his ears, so simple positivity like Mister Magnus asking for his _pronouns_? Absolutely overwhelming.

“Um, he/him is still fine, sir, but they/them is also alright,”

Magnus taps his finger on the table, and Angus has known him long enough to know that that’s one of the ways he commits important things to memory.

“You still going by Angus, or do ya got a new handle?”

Angus pauses at Mister Taako’s question. He hadn’t even considered changing his name. “Uh, Angus is- Angus is still good,”

Mister Taako nods. “If it’s ever not, though, you let us know, okay?”

He nods because he can feel the tightness in his throat which means that he’s probably going to cry and he doesn’t trust himself to speak. This is _so much_ and _so overwhelming_ and maybe he should have told them one at a time, or maybe that would have been harder to do, but all of it feels _so good_.

Miss Lup reaches over and ruffles his hair. “I’m proud of you, Ango,”

And he bursts into tears.

The reaction is immediate. Miss Lup pulls back and she looks afraid that she’s done something wrong. Mister Taako is out of his chair to pull him into a hug, and everyone else looks a bit anxious and frantic. Angus laughs through his tears. “It’s okay, I’m okay, I just- I wasn’t expecting- I was so-”

Mister Taako pets his hair anyway and it feels good. “You were nervous?”

Angus nods and holds on to Mister Taako because he’s safe and warm, and laughter keeps bubbling up even as he’s crying. He feels Miss Lup hug his other side, and then Miss Carey’s scales brush his arm, and then _everyone_ is hugging him and it feels better than he’s ever felt before. “Thank you,” he murmurs, to this mismatched family he’s found.

(This mismatched family that feels _more real_ than his blood relations ever have)

“Thank you, thank you, _thank you_ ,” He knows that he’s found something good. Even if- even _though_ a lot of other things are confusing, this is one thing he’s sure about. And he’s sure that they’ll stand by him as he works through the confusing bits, and they’ll help him, and they’ll _respect him_.

And he’s never going to let that go.


End file.
